4 Tips to Not YELL AT YOUR RELATIVES on Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is supposed to be about gratitude but for many people seeing family can heighten tension and nerves.

It’s easy to fall back into the patterns of your childhood play out the same fights and taking the bait of your most contentious relatives.

Here are 4 tips to respond thoughtfully, ease stress and deescalate arguments.

1. ACKNOWLEDGE AND VALIDATE

When you feel your blood pressure rising and your voice getting louder, try this technique:

Stop the conversation and say:

“I want to take a moment and acknowledge we have different viewpoints. It makes sense you feel that way.”  

Acknowledging other people's reality is the quickest way to end an argument. Note, this isn’t an agreement, it’s a strategic move to deescalate.

It’s a technique I learned from Chris Voss’ book, Never Split the Difference.

It gives the other person permission to feel the way they feel. This can open up space for sharing a different point of view or moving the conversation along.

Mastering this technique can be the difference between a dinner spent gritting your teeth and fake smiling or at least a mildly friend conversation.

2. ADVANCE PREPARE FOR THE DREADED QUESTION

Despite how it may feel, your mother, uncle or grandparent are not asking you those questions to torture you.

They care about you, are interested in your life and aren’t great at asking questions. Unfortunately, it can feel like an interrogation.

How’s your job search?

How’s business?

How’s your love life?

Answer with something simple like “It continues” and pivot by asking them a question.

3. REFRAME THE SITUATION

If you go in planning to have a bad time, chances are you’ll have a bad time.

If you’re feeling uneasy about Thanksgiving dinner, try reframing the situation:

Is it an exercise to practice listening skills?
Is it a chance to put that mindfulness class to use?
Is it an opportunity for a multiple course dinner you didn’t have to cook?

4. USE I STATEMENTS:

When you feel yourself getting defensive, try to steer clear of “You’re stressing me out" or  "You always do this” and use this template instead:

I feel ________________(emotion) when you __________________ (do this action).

It removes some of the finger pointing and shows people the impact of their behavior.

You can follow this with:

  • a request (what you’d like them to do instead)

  • a boundary (if you keep doing this, I’m going to leave the room).

Want more tips to stop arguing with your family? Get The Difficult Conversation System.

Madeline Schwarz